10/5: Delhi
How many people habitually find themselves wondering if they are either making, have made, ore are going to make the "best" choice about something? Dwelling in regret if the choice was in the past, swelling with anxiety if it is in the future, or stalled out frozen if in the present? Today I'm finding that- like most things- this tendency is pattern rather than circumstantially driven. Circumstance seems only to change the appearance of the already existing pattern, in the form of a work assignment, outfit selection, relationship or (currently) peoples' character.
In familiar environments, I pride myself in having what I consider to be good judgement about people. Now, I find myself seeing a stranger in the eyes of others, a wild foreigness to which I can not readily identify with or relate. OR, if I alternatively do sense of ease/comfort with an individual, I leave the encounter wondering if I was just being scammed or in some other way manipulated. What to do or think?
Maybe we are not meant to- at one given time- be able to relate to ALL people. Maybe I must be patient, slowly adjusting to a new way of relating that I am as of yet unaware; and accept my new humble position of, what seems to me, social retardation, with as much grace as possible.
This place really makes me get to the root of what I want and demands me to step up to the task of accomplishing that on a mental and physical level. After purchasing a plane ticket to where my host family lived due to trains being booked for the next 4 days, then wondering to myself if the trains really were booked, or if my plane ticket was not some kind of a fake, and then crying while explaining this all to my rickshaw driver, he turned to me and said, "Don't cry. Let me see your eyes. Think about what you want. You are going to see your family tonight in Chandigarh and that is what will happen. The past does not matter."
And this I do believe. I can learn a lesson without dwelling on the past. What I want will manifest, just the form remains uncontrollable. Is this not always the case, where our perception just leads us to believe otherwise? Now in India, I sense no distinction; control simply does not exist.
How many people habitually find themselves wondering if they are either making, have made, ore are going to make the "best" choice about something? Dwelling in regret if the choice was in the past, swelling with anxiety if it is in the future, or stalled out frozen if in the present? Today I'm finding that- like most things- this tendency is pattern rather than circumstantially driven. Circumstance seems only to change the appearance of the already existing pattern, in the form of a work assignment, outfit selection, relationship or (currently) peoples' character.
In familiar environments, I pride myself in having what I consider to be good judgement about people. Now, I find myself seeing a stranger in the eyes of others, a wild foreigness to which I can not readily identify with or relate. OR, if I alternatively do sense of ease/comfort with an individual, I leave the encounter wondering if I was just being scammed or in some other way manipulated. What to do or think?
Maybe we are not meant to- at one given time- be able to relate to ALL people. Maybe I must be patient, slowly adjusting to a new way of relating that I am as of yet unaware; and accept my new humble position of, what seems to me, social retardation, with as much grace as possible.
This place really makes me get to the root of what I want and demands me to step up to the task of accomplishing that on a mental and physical level. After purchasing a plane ticket to where my host family lived due to trains being booked for the next 4 days, then wondering to myself if the trains really were booked, or if my plane ticket was not some kind of a fake, and then crying while explaining this all to my rickshaw driver, he turned to me and said, "Don't cry. Let me see your eyes. Think about what you want. You are going to see your family tonight in Chandigarh and that is what will happen. The past does not matter."
And this I do believe. I can learn a lesson without dwelling on the past. What I want will manifest, just the form remains uncontrollable. Is this not always the case, where our perception just leads us to believe otherwise? Now in India, I sense no distinction; control simply does not exist.
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